Can't

Been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Resorted to superficial means of attaining temporary elation only to find it slowly results in numbness, and it’s a harsh return to reality. I don’t understand myself. I don’t understand what I am meant to do. My moral and common sense compass needs calibration. I feel like hoping is akin to flirting with an idea conjured up in my own mind only to find myself falling flat on my face…hard. I’m angry all the time. And I don’t know why. I harbor so much bitterness in me and I can’t seem to place my finger on the exact reason as to why I feel this way. I’m sick of contrived conversations. I’m sick of lying to myself. I’m sick of blaming everything and anyone else for my internal conflicts. I feel broken. It was a huge gamble to follow a double threaded string thinking I could just rely on one without needing the other, without emotions. I can’t do this. I can’t. I just need some time to breathe. I need some time to just stop for a moment and clear my head.