Stuck in a maze.

I feel a little schizophrenic. One moment, words do not suffice to express the depth of my gratitude for being where I am today. The next, I wish I had played my cards a little differently. I have an extreme distaste for lamenting but often there are times when I find myself doing the aforementioned.

I have chosen the difficult path- to be a doctor. This is my ultimate goal in life: to provide service to those who need it with utmost precision and care, with a balance of professionalism and compassion. Why should the rest matter? My childhood dream was to further my studies in Sydney, and an opportunity was created for me by my parents, who financed my year 11 and 12 studies. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, that dream was short-lived.

Perhaps this is all part of God’s plan for me.

Somehow, I feel as though the doubts and insecurities that linger in me have formed this barricade, preventing me from reaching out to God. Evening mass on Saturdays have become a mundane routine for me, and more often than not, I find myself going out of obligation rather than genuine eagerness to get to know the Lord. It doesn’t help when evening mass feels so…conventional. There is nothing wrong with seeking God as a congregation but like fingerprints, no one person is the same- I prefer to do so alone. One to one: like a child and a parent, a student and a mentor, a sheep and its shepherd. I miss the comfort of just sitting on a bench alone in Kenso Church, and seeking refuge from daily distractions just by being still. I loved how the light found its way inside the Church through the stained glass, making everything glow with a kind of glory.

I digress.

Right now, I am stuck in a maze and I’m pacing back and forth with consternation and I fear I am spiritually dried up.
I’ve deferred offers to do BMSci from USYD, UNSW and UTS, and I’ve indirectly declined the offer to do medicine in Penang Medical College. I recently found out that I have been offered a place to do BSci in the National University of Singapore, an indirect way of informing me that my application to do medicine in NUS was unsuccessful. This was to the dismay of many, although nothing was expressly stated. So, things are set. I am going to IMU to do the Partner Medical School undergraduate (graduate route) medicine programme and the fees are sky high. Sometimes I feel as though it is an inevitable fact that money is the ultimate discriminator. You have the money? You can further your studies in your preferred university. You don’t? Too bad, settle for second best. Only the very lucky and fortunate few can obtain scholarships and statistics prove that the odds are stacked against me.

I find it difficult to explain to people how I feel about where I am at the moment. None of my family members/ relatives took this path, none in the medical line of profession. And friends seem more like acquaintances nowadays so it’ll be pretty selfish of me to bombard anyone with all of this and more out of the blue. Everyone’s already burdened with their own problems- I cannot afford to add on to their load.

Anyway, recent experiences have confirmed that- the world is a harsh place. That’s reality. Gone are the days when politicians took pride in the role that they play and when they had high regard for the trust of unsuspecting citizens. Gone are the days when politicians did not exploit the sympathy of citizens towards a terminally ill cancer patient who is blind AND paralysed due to a brain tumor to gain the favour of the public. Gone are the days when most or all neighbours were considerate and in favour of politeness. Gone are the days when immigration officials treated all citizens with equal respect irrespective of race and religion. Gone are the days when relevant authorities did not deliberately state the religion of many Chinese Christians as “BUDDHA” just to alter the statistics of the number of Christians in a country. Many have left for better developed countries e.g. UK, Australia, in pursuit of true justice and equality in their lives. Parents endure long work hours to earn the money to ensure their children are able to live better lives overseas. Often, I wonder if there is any reason for me to remain and serve here if I were to be a doctor. And then… I think of the innocent people. The people who are completely unaffiliated with the actions of a government whose system is so entrenched with corrupt values. They suffer when the only crime they committed is following the laws of the country as law abiding citizens. If all the good people (people equipped with skills of a highly qualified medical practitioner, lawyers who speak for those who can’t, leaders who lead with true passion for their people) left this country, any grain of hope is lost. I wish to see changes in my country. Maybe it won’t happen in my parents’ time or mine, but I believe it will one day. I was born and raised here, so I hope that I can be part of that change I want to see, however little it may be.

So many questions left unanswered. But maybe it’s because I haven’t been looking in the right place.


I need to pluck up the courage to knock on that door with equanimity and ASK. GOD, I cannot do this on my own. Please, hold my hand and lead me to where you want me to be.