"It's okay to go."

“It’s okay to go.” These were the words I spoke in my heart as I held his hand.

Somehow, I think he heard it too. I felt the warmth slowly leave his hand.

He was ready.

As we prayed our silent prayers, I was overwhelmed with grief but ultimately, a sense of relief. He could finally free himself of the disease he’s been grappling with all these years. I tried holding back my tears but they just flowed endlessly. I knew this day would come from the moment I was told he was too weak to go to the palliative care home to be massaged. But the reality of it all took a while to sink into me. As I watched the nurses take charge and report his time of death, I took a deep breath, bit my tongue to hold back the tears and looked into his son’s eyes. I told him, “We all prayed for him. He shed a tear and closed his eyes.” I could see the gratitude in his eyes. He told us his father always felt better and free spirited after his weekly visits to the PCA home. I feel a little better knowing that the little things we do for them in the short amount of time that they have left makes a difference. I’ve never physically witnessed someone die before my eyes and the contradiction between the feelings of grief and relief. In retrospect, I believe everything that has happened to me, happened for a reason. I cannot fulfill my dream of studying in Sydney but I gained something else- the opportunity to be an instrument of God’s mercy and love, the opportunity to provide comfort to others, however little it is. I am thankful to be where I am today.

What I experienced today only reaffirmed my dream of becoming a doctor.