x + y + ? = z

Back in 2009, at the age of 18, I signed my life up for something which would mean putting others above my own needs. The idea always seemed a little grandiose to me growing up but after 8 months of dipping my toes in shallow waters of the field...I decided to fully immerse myself in it, and to keep swimming in deep waters. 

I am still swimming, and I'd be lying if I said I've never been close to drowning. My arms and legs were sore and completely fatigued from thrashing about. During those difficult times, I'd cling on to logs and whatever I could grip on until I've regained enough energy to continue swimming again. Occasionally, I received messages in bottles containing kind words of encouragement and I would feel inspired to go on. But then I'd struggle along the way again. And my mind would be inundated with negativity and self doubt. This happened cyclically. 

I have much to be thankful for. The logs were my friends and family and colleagues. The messages in bottles, though not literal in its sense, were encouraging words from people who mean a lot to me, either in the form of prayer, songs of praise or hugs. But something was still missing from this equation.

In my struggle, I had lost my faith. My pride took over and relinquished the relationship that I had with the Father in heaven. And I am nothing but a lost sheep. I need to repent of my old ways and find my way back to Him again...To hold on to His hand, and walk close to Him through treacherous paths. I am sorry, Lord. I truly am. Please take me as I am and use me as your instrument. You are the potter, I am the clay. Teach me to be disciplined and grounded in spite of turbulent times. Mould me into who you want me to be.